7 is an unspeakable number

 

 

 

It seems I have been on a  self imposed sabbatical for the past several months and the D word got a much needed break from the rantings that go on in my head. Have the voices actually quieted themselves? Perhaps.

There are a couple of reasons that come to mind … one, the need to reclaim and maintain my privacy (good luck with that  , Big Brother is everywhere) … and two, I’m really busy LIVING LIFE.  However,…the most important reason for me …  lies in the passing of time. Let me explain.

In the early days of my divorce, I joined a divorce “workshop” if you will. There was much discussion, about recovery and taking the necessary time to work through the anguish and find ways to move forward constructively. This mythical number of years was broken down into a mathematical equation. Take the number of years you were married, divide by two, and the answer becomes the amount of time it will take for you to feel fully healed. Ha…what a load of crap!

Naturally I was determined to shave off a few years by finding shortcuts and avenues that I thought would expedite the process. For me…seven years recovery seemed like a lifetime. I wanted to LIVE, get busy, embrace happiness, do anything to avoid thinking or feeling anything related to my divorce , not just wallow in recovery and regret and remorse until some magical moment when the cloud felt lifted. Besides…I was never really very good at math anyway,  and, in the game of craps…7 is an unspeakable number.

And so..I did! I charged headlong into life, filling it with as many new experiences and opportunities as I could find, often times feeling like Alice down the rabbit hole, wondering literally what the #$%@ am I doing here and how the @#$% do I get out. You see…If they had issued a map at the time of my divorce, one that carefully explained how to navigate this uncertain terrain, mine had surely been burned to ash and blown away in a strong breeze within the first year.

There is no formula beyond honoring yourself, following your gut feeling and relying heavily on prayer and faith and strong solid friendships. Jumping blindly into another relationship or marriage will only temporarily numb the pain and sooner or later you will have to face yourself.  Upon reflecting…I pray to God you like what you see.

Today…this is what I see…

I am 52, I am not afraid, I know myself, I can do anything I put my mind to. I can ride a motorcycle, a dirtbike, a horse. I can drive a boat, a motorhome, a man crazy. I can shoot a gun, shoot from the hip, and shoot straight. I can balance my finances, buy and sell stocks, refinance, renegotiate, reconsider. I can move. Or, I can stay. I’m allowed to change my mind. I can breathe underwater. I can dance until dawn. I can speak with compassion, I can listen with love, I  can imagine myself  in your shoes.

In the game of craps…7 is an unspeakable number.

In the game of my life…it is a milestone that passed quietly like a shadow…

and I have emerged … fully illuminated.

 

 

     sending  love and light, mimi