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Posts Tagged ‘divorce’

 

 

 

It seems I have been on a  self imposed sabbatical for the past several months and the D word got a much needed break from the rantings that go on in my head. Have the voices actually quieted themselves? Perhaps.

There are a couple of reasons that come to mind … one, the need to reclaim and maintain my privacy (good luck with that  , Big Brother is everywhere) … and two, I’m really busy LIVING LIFE.  However,…the most important reason for me …  lies in the passing of time. Let me explain.

In the early days of my divorce, I joined a divorce “workshop” if you will. There was much discussion, about recovery and taking the necessary time to work through the anguish and find ways to move forward constructively. This mythical number of years was broken down into a mathematical equation. Take the number of years you were married, divide by two, and the answer becomes the amount of time it will take for you to feel fully healed. Ha…what a load of crap!

Naturally I was determined to shave off a few years by finding shortcuts and avenues that I thought would expedite the process. For me…seven years recovery seemed like a lifetime. I wanted to LIVE, get busy, embrace happiness, do anything to avoid thinking or feeling anything related to my divorce , not just wallow in recovery and regret and remorse until some magical moment when the cloud felt lifted. Besides…I was never really very good at math anyway,  and, in the game of craps…7 is an unspeakable number.

And so..I did! I charged headlong into life, filling it with as many new experiences and opportunities as I could find, often times feeling like Alice down the rabbit hole, wondering literally what the #$%@ am I doing here and how the @#$% do I get out. You see…If they had issued a map at the time of my divorce, one that carefully explained how to navigate this uncertain terrain, mine had surely been burned to ash and blown away in a strong breeze within the first year.

There is no formula beyond honoring yourself, following your gut feeling and relying heavily on prayer and faith and strong solid friendships. Jumping blindly into another relationship or marriage will only temporarily numb the pain and sooner or later you will have to face yourself.  Upon reflecting…I pray to God you like what you see.

Today…this is what I see…

I am 52, I am not afraid, I know myself, I can do anything I put my mind to. I can ride a motorcycle, a dirtbike, a horse. I can drive a boat, a motorhome, a man crazy. I can shoot a gun, shoot from the hip, and shoot straight. I can balance my finances, buy and sell stocks, refinance, renegotiate, reconsider. I can move. Or, I can stay. I’m allowed to change my mind. I can breathe underwater. I can dance until dawn. I can speak with compassion, I can listen with love, I  can imagine myself  in your shoes.

In the game of craps…7 is an unspeakable number.

In the game of my life…it is a milestone that passed quietly like a shadow…

and I have emerged … fully illuminated.

me at go fest best

 

 

     sending  love and light, mimi

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The holidays are in full swing, Christmas is just days away, the garland on my front gate has been proudly swaying for the past two weeks now and is already beginning to brown a little around the edges, cards have been sent and recieved, and packages are waiting to be wrapped. Everything is seemingly in order, I am neither panicked about finishing up the last few details, nor am I overly joyous…I am simply reflective.

There is much grief, chaos and confusion, in our world today. Right here in our own country, 26 innocent people were gunned down in cold blood, in an environment that is supposed to be safe and nurturing. What an unspeakable tragedy. It rocked our nation.  And let us not discount the life of the mother who was also murdered at the hands of her own son.  As  we begin to uncurl ourselves from the fetal position of sadness…the words begin to flow. Issues like gun control and mental health are now forced into the uncomfortable spotlight. Conversations about the lingering effects of violent video games are finally being heard.  How could we have been better prepared to anticipate such devastation? 

When my children were little, we would often find ourselves saying to them, “use your words”. Use your words to solve the problem,  don’t hit your sister or brother, find the words to express what it is that you are feeling and use them constructively.  

Such simple advice…right?

In a landmark decision, Sesame Street has decided to introduce a new character who is a “child of divorce”. Some would argue that it is long overdue. It seems they have been reluctant to tackle this topic because of the very difficult emotional nature of divorce. Given the fact that 50% of marriages end in divorce, it is about time we find ways to communicate about it in open and honest dialogue. Children should not feel stigmatized amongst their otherwise “intact” peer groups. My daughter came home from school the other day and actually commended me on our “divorce” circumstances. Her observation was that some of her friends who were also children of divorce, had it much worse than she did. You see…her entire peer group is now comprised of other kids who have experienced divorce. I can remember a time not too long ago when she was the odd one in a sea of “nuclear, intact families”. What’s changed? Maybe the level of conversation?

We have got to stop hiding our heads in shame. We have a huge responsibility to ourselves and to each other to be honest, about ourselves and our lives, our fears, our hopes. We share one planet…just one. We are one family. We are God’s children, all of us.

Don Miguel Ruiz, writes: Be Impeccable with Your Word

“It is through the word that you manifest everything. What you dream, what you feel, what you really are will all be manifested through the word. Seeing the awesome power of the word, we must understand what power comes out of our mouth”.

We have the power and the responsibility to each other, to use our precious words wisely. To communicate our fears without worrying about the fallout, the judgement of others. To solve problems constructively without violence. To agree…to disagree.

The mother in Connecticut was simply that…a mother. A mother who perhaps was afraid to be  honest  about the mental instability of her own son. A mother who was trying to manage the fragile nature of being a “divorced’ woman, while managing a difficult child. Maybe she kept all of these fears locked away in the closet…right next to the guns she used to chase them away.

I am also a mother. I have  been through a difficult and painful divorce. I have two children…one of which is a young adult male. I have always had a lifelong fear of guns…and in my attempt to conquer all of my fears I have recently taken up the sport of target practice, using both pistols and rifles. I have been given careful instruction on how to use them, and I have the utmost respect for what a gun can do.

I am also a mother…and cannot imagine what it would be like to spend the holidays grieving for the loss of my precious child. I cannot imagine what it would be like to spend a lifetime with the memory of knowing that their tiny defenseless life had been taken so violently. These are times when words mean nothing…

It is profoundly apparent to me now how important it is for us to “use our words”, for healing, for strength, for understanding, for acceptance.  It is no coincidence that their are 26 letters in our alphabet. 26 of our own precious angels in heaven, guiding us through the turbulent waters here on earth. Now more than ever, use your words…

your … precious … precious … words.

 

 

 

 

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My thoughts always tend to reflect on gluttony and excess right about this time of the year. Is it the aftermath of feasting on all of the scrumptious traditional THANKSGIVING  foods?  Or,  is it the barrage of  BLACK FRIDAY options we are slammed with via our multimedia influences, telling us about all the STUFF we need to buy and buy now. I appreciate being able to get MORE stuff for LESS money, but what are our real needs?  Are we merely adding  MORE  inventory to fill an emotional emptiness?   Isn’t  there a real need to have LESS  proverbial baggage?  The answer is yes…more or less.
 

Definition of MORE OR LESS

1 : to a varying or undetermined extent or degree
 
 
I am convinced  that we spend the first half of our lives accumulating “stuff”. We marry, have kids, buy a house and fill it with stuff, then  buy a bigger house and  fill it with more stuff. We are not content to simply have more room, we need more stuff to put in it. When my children were very young we watched a wonderful little VEGGIE TALES  movie about a family caught up in consumerism. Shopping at “STUFFMART” they were never content with what they had and found themselves always looking for the next thing to buy, filling their house to excess until it literally toppled over. Losing everything showed them how askewed their value system had become.  Sound familiar?
 
We have lost track of what’s important. Images flash across our TV screens alerting us to pre-dawn shopping hours with people lining up days before to be first through the doors. Splice in a few news clips of the wreckage on the JERSEY SHORE  and you will quickly gain perspective on just  how disposible our “stuff” really is. If you have been unfortunate enough to experience the involuntary inventory reduction that comes with DIVORCE you have some sense of what if feels like to lose “your stuff”. Your home, many of your friends, your in-laws,  all go away when you and your X sign on the dotted line.  You begin to adjust to the process of learning to live with less.  
 
Hopefully what you learn from these experiences guides you in a direction of gratitude and an understanding of what really matters.
 
So,  in the aftermath of  Thanksgiving and looking forward to the holidays and the spirit of  giving and recieving,  I would like to begin compiling  a list of the things I want MORE or LESS of:
 
MORE                                                                           
Quality Time with my children, my parents, my friends.
Laughter and silliness
Gratitude
Forgiveness
Benevolence
Experiences
 
LESS
Judgement
Gossip
Greed
 Stuff
 
And that’s all  I have to say about that…more or less.

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Finding your “soul-mate”? Maybe it’s overrated!  Two thirds of Americans believe in soul mates, according to a recent poll. Sweet, right?  Well, those believers were also 150 percent more likely to divorce than people who thought there could be more than one right person for them. It seems contradictory, but “those who hold an overly romanticized view of marriage may think they’re with the wrong person if things get rough,” study author Bradford Wilcox, Ph.D., explains. Reality check: Every relationship takes work, and even someone who’s “perfect” for you will drive you nuts sometimes! Nicole Yorio

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Prayer follows me. It is who I am…and who I have become.

Don’t get me wrong…I do not profess to be “holier than thou”.

It is just something that I do.  

The fact is…I was scared.

In the middle of my divorce, fear was my constant companion.  I couldn’t breath without reaching for my rosary. Oh yeah…did I mention,  I am born and raised  Catholic. (Don’t get me started.)  (I have my fair share of “issues” with the Catholics)   Aside from that…I have been “born again”…not once… but twice.  In addition, I studied and embraced Kabbalah. It made sense to me.  And without question, I bless the Buddha  when our paths intersect. How can you not feel compelled to rub the belly of  Buddha?

The fact is…I’m a closet believer. I never want to climb on my soapbox and talk about GOD. It ends up sounding preachy, conceited, directional. Who am I to tell you how to get through your own nightmare ? Besides… HE…never guaranteed that I would get through mine.  HE never appeared in a vision and said, “I will wipe away all of your fears and I will bestow upon you happiness…and joy…and light.

No…there was no vision. Only Faith.

And yet…that is exactly what has happened for me. There is happiness. There is joy.. There is light.

Why?

Because I pray.

And in the midst of this mess we call life…I stumble upon countless opportunities, to enlighten and share  the wonder  of God. I wait for your direction…a comment…a question…and in careful fashion, I share, the goodness that I have seen. I encourage you to embrace the God of your chosing.  He will find you.  He will comfort you.  He will bring the answers you seek.  He will change the way you live your life.

Prayer is simple. It involves communication. It requires surrender. It’s easier than you think.   

The Power of Prayer

The day was long, the burden I had borne

Seemed heavier than I could longer bear,

And then it lifted – but I did not know

Some one had knelt in prayer;

Had taken me to God that very hour,

And asked the easing of the load, and He,

In infinite compassion, had stooped down

And taken it from me.

We cannot tell how often as we pray

For some bewildered one, hurt and distressed,

The answer comes, but many times those hearts

Find sudden peace and rest.

Some one had prayed, and Faith, a reaching hand,

Took hold of God, and brought Him down that day!

So many, many hearts have need of prayer:

Oh, let us pray!

author unknown

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